Three little deadly words

Hello all,

As I reflect on my career, technology, relationships and life in general, there seems to be a thread of diametrically opposed philosophies that play in my mind.  The struggle is real every day and it all starts with those three deadly words, "I Love you"

Life is hard.  And things happen in life, just as it has been for generations before us.  I do believe in God, the God of Abraham, Issac and Jacob, and his son, Jesus Christ.  I believe the Bible is the inspired word of God, useful in everyday life.  And even with this, I still struggle.

With my career position and where i am at in life, it is hard for me to admit this; I struggle with PTSD and OCD, which manifests in anxiety, insecurity and depression.  Some days are good and some are bad.  Some days no matter what is wrong, it doesn't get me down. Some days no matter what is right, it seems like the end of the world.  Some days I need a reminder to just keep breathing.

One part of this that has significantly impacted me is relationships.  Throughout my life, relationships were based on what each person could provide to the other.  Performance based relationships.  If you couldn't provide enough in the relationship, you were not valued and tossed.  If you provided too much in the relationship, you were taken advantage up and became the relationship sugardaddy/sugarmommy.  It was either suck the life out of the other person or have the life sucked out of you.  Achieving balance is like dancing on the head of a needle.

I can not think of a time that I didn't simple assume that everyone I knew was going to betray me or leave me.  It is something that I have inside that I cant explain or control.  It is difficult to deal with and I know how crazy this is.  In the end, I push my friends away before they get a chance to leave.  It is hard.  I find that I am oversensitive and hyper-vigilant, sometimes making up scenarios in my head or coming to irrational conclusions of what was just said or talked about, just to push them away before I get hurt.  

When I hear "I Love you" it simply tears me apart.  When my wife says, "I love you", I think "Great!  What does she want now?  Time to put in another mainline to suck the life out of me to near death again.  When I hear my friend say, "I love you man", I hear a request to have some sort of need met in a tit for tat exchange.  When I hear "God loves me", I think "SHIT, I am REALLY going to disappoint Him"  I can't even sing songs about the Father's love in church.  I know in my head that this isn't the love that God has for us, but it is the at odds with the definition love I know and have learned to accept.

In my mind, "I Love you" makes me cringe with despair.  It comes with all kinds of strings attached.  I did this for you because "I Love you".  I am giving you this gift because "I Love you".  This is something that we can do together because "I love you"  I think of these things as debts that need to be repaid.  And the more "I Love you"'s I hear, the more in debt I am.

Tragically, in all of this, I realize that I have sabotaged nearly all my relationships in order to maintain some self preservation.

For those in my past, I am sorry to have put you through this. 

For my long time and current friends, I again am sorry.  There are no other words I have.

I came to the end of writing this and thought now what?  Am I writing this to justify or rationalize my behavior?  no.  I think I am wondering if anyone else is like this and is struggling too.

If you are, how is that working for you?

For me, I'd like to never ever again hear 'I love you'.  And if you need to say something to me that expresses it, how about saying something like "How about dem der Packers, eh?"

Fathers Day, a day that hurts.

So, I am going to post something that might not be totally correct on this day, but there is another perspective.

When I see all of the pictures and happy fathers day wishes, it is painful for me.  Fathers day isn't happy for me.

I am reminded of all the times my father wasn't around and all the things we didn't do, except work.  I remember back to September 26, 1995 when I, my then wife, and children were considered no longer a part of the family; and haven't had much contact with any of them since.  I wasn't allowed to attend my fathers funeral, but that is for another story. To this day I cannot remember ever having a meaningful conversation with my father. We didn’t fish or hunt together, we didn’t go to baseball games together pretty much nothing but work, and even then I couldn't get it right enough.  Heck, my brother has memories of holding the damn flashlight.

As a father myself, happy fathers day is a reminder to me how much I have become like my father, and how many times I have failed my children; and continue to do so.

Happy fathers day means remembering all the times I was presented with a no win decisions between work, school, home, friends, family and God.  And it mattered very little what decision I would make, it was the wrong one with devastating consequences.

Happy fathers day means having regrets of doing something or not doing something, saying the right thing at the wrong time or the wrong thing at the right time.  It is all those things I wish I would have done and all those things I wish I wouldn't have done.

Happy fathers day means seeing traits in my adult children I wish they never learned from me.  Seeing them make the same decisions and mistakes that I made.  Sure, I thought they were right at the time and I did my best.  But now I have the benefit of having 20/20 hind site.

Happy fathers day means thinking and remembering the past and being paralyzed to move forward to make any decisions.  And while some of you may be saying....DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, believe me I wish I could.  But you might as well tell the lame to walk, the dead to rise, the mute to speak, and the sick to heal themselves.

Happy fathers day means going to church and hearing about God our Father.  For many years I cringed when people referred to God as “Father.” Inside I was thinking, “Not interested!”  I still can't sing those songs.  I remember my father and me as a father and can not and do not want that kind of relationship ever again.  "Heavenly Father" might as well be "Forever Tyrant", or "Eternal Dictator"

Maybe it’s not so “happy” for you. Perhaps you’re one of those people who will play the charade of giving a gift, sending a card or making a phone call out of obligation or guilt. Maybe you carry deep wounds from your relationship (or lack thereof) with your father. Perhaps you’ve suffered from the disapproval, rejection, absence or abandonment of your father. Maybe you will try to drum up some positive demeanor toward your dad on Father’s Day even though you really feel nothing at all.

I get it.  I understand!  Sometimes I wish they would change this day to "Biological Sperm Donor".  I could wrap my hands around and celebrate and say "Yes, I did that!"

These helps a little:

http://thrivetherapymn.com/blog/2016/06/not-happy-fathers-day/
http://erlc.com/resource-library/articles/when-fathers-day-hurts

So today, I don't celebrate as some do.  Some day, I and others might be able to say Happy Fathers Day, but not today.

Novell is DEAD!.....Part 2

Hello all,

Several years ago I posted my first article, Novell is Dead.  It was never my intention to have a continuing discussion of the matter.  However, times have changed.  I have gone back to read what I said and continue the discussion.

Novell has continued its tradition of Brainshare and they continue to do a good job.  Back when Attachmate announced that it was going to purchase Novell, many of us long time IT customers were a little more than just concerned.  What is this all going to mean?  What is going to happen to the products?  Will Novell finally get the marketing piece that was so tragically missing?  Is Novell dead?

The answers to these and many more questions came as time passed.  Since 2011, Attachmate sliced and diced Novell into 3 or 4 business units; Novell, NetIQ, Suse, and Attachmate proper.  The very first messages were that it was business as usual, and the products were going to continue to be improved and built.  Many of the IT veterans quietly said, "We've heard that before!" as the leaders of Novell for the past decade said one thing, but clearly were operating in the best interest of immediate gratification of stock holders and their own pockets.  Could we trust Bob Flynn, Jay Gardner, Nils Brachmann, and Jeff Hahn at their word, or are these business men, much like politicians, who will say one thing and do another?

My answer is "Yes.....and no"

Attachmate has added to, not taken away from, the core products.  They have invested in doing the right things the right way in technology.  Features, functionality, product development, and even Q/A has improved over the past few years.  They are reconnecting to some of their core values of delivering products that address their customers wants and needs; and getting it done.  If something is the right thing to do, then they do the right thing the right way; even when it costs more than not doing it at all or doing it poorly.

On the other hand, It is curious that a company which at its very core is tied to Identity Management seemingly has the difficult and daunting task of establishing its own identity.  What is Novell?  What is Suse?  What is NetIQ?  What is OES?  I remember sitting in meeting after meeting, desperately trying to make sense of and catch the vision of one company with 4 business units.  I would listen to them repeat the same things over and over in hopes that the 150th time they said the same thing it would finally click with a EUREKA realization moment.  So far, it hasn't.  How can one take a single company, chop it up into 4 nearly separate stand alone business units, and still be functional?

So, my bottom line is that we can and did trust the leadership of Attachmate at their word.  They have done exactly what they said they would do, but some of us haven't caught or understood some of the vision.  Overall, the past three years, the situation has stabilized and gotten a little better.

Enter Micro Focus.....

OH NO!  WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?  WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN?  DEATH AND DESTRUCTION!  CATS AND DOGS LIVING TOGETHER!

Unlike the Attachmate purchase, we heard none of that!  The message pretty much was, "Oh...and by the way, we are now owned by Micro Focus.....carry on....that is all." And everyone continued about their business as usual.  Unusual?  Probably.  Maybe those customers, partners and employees are accustomed to the new normal being acquisitions?  Or maybe.....it just doesn't matter anymore....Novell is dead anyway.

There are no simple solutions to complex opportunities.  Anyone suggesting a "all you have to do is...." is like suggesting the solution to every problem is a hammer.  If the problem is a nail, it works just fine.  If the problem is a screw or bold, not so much.

Once the problems are openly and honestly shared there are strategies that can and should be put into action.  So what are those problems?

Stay tuned for Part 3.  Feel free to comment and join the conversation.  I already have my answers, but would like to hear others.

Tom

50 Shades of Grey - a man's perspective

In a store the other day I overheard one lady talking to another, "Have you read 50 Shades of Grey?  OMG I did and it was... (with hands fluttering in front of her face)...  was...OMG, WONDERFUL!  It is such a great book, you have to read it.  It is now my favorite book of all time.  I wish I had a guy like that!"  And the conversation continued in more detail.  So what is the big deal?  It is just a book that is going to be a movie, right?

Speaking for many of the men that I know, we are visual in nature.  Men are aroused by the visual, and even the imagination is visual to us.  Aural and written words typically have little effect to us without the visual or imagination of the visual.  Having talked with a few women, they shared with me it works differently for them.

(Explanation forward is my best attempt at understanding women....a task as monumental as herding cats)
For women, it is all about the feeling and the aura and the mystery and the passion and the imagination.  It is not about the visual.  Although a good visual doesn't hurt the moment, the true passion for women is in what is going on in their minds, and then the body follows.  

Speaking as a guy, it is completely opposite.  Let me explain this a bit more to see if anyone gets it.  

A man is just sitting there minding his own business; thinking absolutely nothing.  A woman walks by him. She is wearing a mini skirt and a blouse that is a bit too small for her figure.  She is well made up and she walks with a strut in her high heals.  The man looks up and his eyes are drawn to her like a tiger to prey.  He his mesmerized by her and may have a difficult time turning away.  There is only one thing he is thinking if he is thinking at all....WOW.  (queue the scene from Bambi where all of the animals became "twitterpated")

At no time does he go off into an internal soliloquy, "I wonder if she is smart?  I wonder what she does for a living?  I wonder if she can cook?  I wonder what she does for fun?  I wonder what makes her laugh?  What is her favorite movie?  I wonder what she was like as a kid?  I wonder what her favorite place is in the entire world?  I wonder if she is a cat or dog person?"  You get the drift.  

And here is what doesn't make sense, ladies.  Even if a man is older and wiser and understands this, he may ask these questions, and then answer them for her in his own mind with answers that suit him.

"Is she smart?"  Of course she is!  A woman like that can't be dumb.
"What does she do for a living?"  She must be a Doctor, or Lawyer, or some sort of executive because a person that beautiful must have one of those positions.
"Can she cook?"  Of course she can!  She is a master chef in 3 different genres of food.
"What is her favorite place?"  With ME of course!
"I she a cat or dog person?"  She loves ALL animals, especially the ones I love!

After the woman passes along, and the emergency alert system sound that just played in his mind which cause the man to pause all brain function and garnished his complete attention, stops alarming, then the man can reflect and begin to think rationally again.  Blood begins flowing again to his brain and his thinking senses return.  His mind takes control again with "I now return you to your originally scheduled programming."

If any of you are having a difficult time with this, let me point you to the 1979 film "10".  There is a specific scene where Bo Derek is running down the beach in her one piece bathing suite, her beaded hair flopping up and down.  The camera then switches back to Dudley Moore where you can almost see the intelligence leave his body as he stares at her.  This, ladies, is the power you hold over men.  Use it wisely.

By this time reading through this blog, if not sooner, I can hear the collective moan of "Men are pigs!"  Right?  Let me redirect you to the reason for this post.  I postulate that the book/movie 50 Shades of Grey does something very similar to women as my story does to men.  After reading this book or watching the movie, you should not have the expectation or deserve the right to tell your husband or boyfriend to not watch porn. It does exactly the same thing to woman as traditional porn does for me.  In essence, 50 Shades Of Grey is porn for women.  And because it doesn't fit the visual definition of porn, it can fall under the categories of "Art", "Entertainment", "Fantasy", which makes it completely acceptable in our culture.

Take that same conversation that I heard, change it up a bit from a woman's perspective hearing two guys talk to one another.  "Hey John, have you read that new book "New Porn Book"?  There aren't many words but lots of pictures.  Nothing left to the imagination!  It is OUTSTANDING, probably my favorite book of all time.  I can't wait until they make it a movie!  I wish I had a woman like that!"  

And all/many of the women collective say, "What a pig!"  Know that some guys think the same way when we hear you talking with admiration about 50 Shades of Grey.

Let me share another person's blog  "To the Women of America: 4 Reasons to hate 50 Shades of Grey"  http://themattwalshblog.com/2014/07/25/women-america-4-reasons-hate-50-shades-grey/2/#cgMkbhTpqceK5kPb.01

*I have not read the book but have talked with enough people (men and women) who have read it.

Thoughts

Importance of DNS in every organization

Hello all,

I have been struggling to find a way to explain the importance of using DNS in our environment as opposed to direct IP addresses.  While IP addressing is important in what we do, connecting to other machines or services via DNS is vital to sustainability and growth.

I found a bit of information and changed the message a bit to fit our needs.  Maybe this will help.  Bottom line….when connecting to anything, PLEASE use DNS.

DNS is foundational for any business.  True, while a company is small, it is easy to memorize a small portion of static IP addresses.  This works fine for home or a small organization, but does not provide flexibility for growth, nor does it allow for scalability.  Take this example:

In your web browser, type http://74.125.225.115 and press enter (or just press the hyperlink) ….where did it take you?  Google?  So, why would anyone want to type in http://www.google.com when they can easily memorize a number like 74.125.225.115?  (sarcasm).  It is much easier to remember www.google.com than it is to memorize a number like that, yes?  Now…I could stop right here, but I am sure there are some people out there that are numbers people who will argue that memorizing the number is easier than remembering www.google.com.  Okay…put on your helmets, this is going to hurt a bit.

In your browser now type (or press the hyperlink)  Http://173.194.46.48  where did it take you?  Google?  How about http://173.194.46.49 ?  Google?  Now try http://173.194.46.50?  Google? Now try http://173.194.46.51  ?  Google again?  Now…I can keep putting typing addresses about 400 more times that will bring you to the exact same spot…..www.google.com.  The google web servers are a part of a cluster.  If one doesn’t work for whatever reason, another one picks up.

So now, numbers person, would you like to memorize about 400, 4 octet string numbers to get to a single server, or would you rather use DNS and just type http://www.google.com and let DNS figure it out for you? 

Okay, Mr. Smarty pants…you know who you are?  They guy who wants to argue everything just for the sake of arguing.  You said you are going to memorize 400 number strings because you do not like or do not trust DNS.  Fine.  Let’s test your mad number skills.  IPv6!  Full contact sport now!  Put on all your armor!

IPv6 is coming.  If you are in other countries, this is all they do now.  Since Feb, 2013, the IANA has completely exhausted the IPv4 range, which means that there is no more address spaces available in the IPv4 range to be given out publically.  So, eventually, everyone will be force to migrate/move to IPv6  (www.test-ipv6.com )

So, if you are already running IPv6 you are ahead of the curve!  (Clap)

So now……you want to goto google.  You can type in www.google.com and let DNS resolve it for you….or, Mr Numbers Guy…..you can type in  Http://2607:f8b0:4009:8010:0000:0000:0000:1012 YUP, that is the www.google.com address in IPv6 format.  Now, again, there are about 400 different combinations of this number for you to memorize.  GO!   OR…..you can just type in www.google.com and let DNS sort it out for you.

Your choice, choose wisely!

Hope you enjoyed this.  J

Government shutdown and unemployment

Hello all,

People in the technology industry are not immune to unemployment.  Being unemployed at the moment, I did a little digging into what the "Unemployment Rate" really means and how it is calculated.  After several hours of looking through exactly what it means, and going through all the mumbo jumbo, it is surprisingly simple, and horrifically inaccurate.
The unemployment rate is only a percentage of people who receive unemployment.  That's it.  If there are 100 people, and 10 of them are receiving unemployment, then the unemployment rate is 10%.  That does not mean that only 10 people are unemployed.  It only means that 10 people are eligible and are receiving unemployment benefits.  It could mean, and does mean, that there are more unemployed people who are simply not eligible for unemployment benefits.  The actual number is alarming.
In late 2009, the unemployment rate peaked at about 10%.  That means about 10% of people "qualified" for unemployment benefits.  "Qualified" is the key word.
Since that time, the unemployment rate has been going down.  Which, according to the news agencies, should be translated that more people are getting jobs, right?  WRONG!  What it actually does mean is that fewer and fewer people are able to qualify  for unemployment benefits!
There are a number of factors in the mumbo jumbo that figure into all of this, but it seems that there are two criteria that seem to be the biggest.
First, a person's time on unemployment expires.  It may mean that a person simply couldn't find a job in the time that they were qualified to receive unemployment, so they simply dropped off the receiving line, and therefore have been removed from the unemployment rate statistic.  They are unemployed and are no longer receiving unemployment, therefore, the unemployment rate goes down.
Second, the government sets the unemployment timeline.  That's right, if they want the unemployment rate to go down, simply short the amount of time a person can collect unemployment, and suddenly you have fewer people collecting unemployment, therefore the unemployment rate again goes down.  In September 2013, the government cut the unemployment timeline from Tier 3 to Tier 3, thus removing 9 weeks of unemployment benefits.  This essentially means that a person who was not able to find employment over a 28 week period will no longer be eligible for unemployment, and therefore will not be included in the "unemployment rate"
The third concept that is a bit gray, and most concerning to me is the self employed.  If you are self employed or work as a contractor, you may or may not ever be included in the unemployment rate.  If your business is down or even collapses, you may not even be eligible for unemployment and therefore not included in the unemployment rate.
A fourth concept is people making $363 a week or more are not considered unemployed.  It comes to about $310 per month after paying taxes, or $10 per day.  I am not sure what our government is thinking, but who can have a life and a family on $10 per day?
As I look through the numbers, I think our true unemployment, under employment rate is closer to 25%-30% across the nation.  This is NOT including people who do not want to work or are 'legitimately' unable to work.  I use the word 'legitimately' because I have found there are some ideas of disability and unable to work that are a bit far fetched, and tend to lean toward a sluggard mentality.
So, in a time where our government is shut down, maybe those who are employed to keep the government running should collect nothing but unemployment.

Comments?

Tom

Proud to be an American.

(About two weeks ago, I was inducted into the VFW, Veterans of Foreign Wars.  I was asked to share with the members on why I was there and why I wanted to join the VFW.  I thought about it for a bit and this is what I said.  Afterwards, a number of them were deeply moved and I was asked to write it up and post it.)

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I stand before you today (Veterans of Foreign Wars) for one reason.  It is the special connection I have with my son, Brad Hafemann.

Like many of you, I grew up up having to stand for the flag, putting my hand over my heart, reciting the Pledge of Allegiance, and singing the National Anthem.  It was something that we have been told that we must just do.  However, I really didn't understand why I was doing it.  Even more confusing to me was what I saw when I was at parades.  These older men and women, many in wheelchairs who could barely walk, when the flag would past, they would be the first people to stand, remove their hat, and salute.  Surely there must be some sort of dispensation that would not require them to stand.  Yet they would continue to stand.  I just didn't get it.

A number of years later I joined the Navy.  I served aboard the USS Nevada, SSBN 733, Gold crew submarine. I served for our freedoms.  I served for our country.  I served for our flag.  Serving change me.  I got it!  From that time on, I was the first person to stand and say the Pledge of Allegiance proudly, and sing the National Anthem loudly.

A number of years later, my son, who was no more than 8 years old, came to me after going to a baseball game said something like, "Dad, why can't you just stand there during the Pledge of Allegiance and National Anthem silently like all the other dads?  It is kind of embarrassing."

Again, a number of years later, my son joined the Marines.  He served two tours in Afghanistan.  He suffered through the stuff, saw his buddies get shot, and some killed.  He fought for our freedoms.  He fought for our country.  He fought for our flag.

When he got back from one of his tours, we hugged, he gave me back a token I had asked him to carry for me and said, "Dad, I know why you are the way you are!  I GET IT!"

Now, when the time arises and the flag passes, HE is the first one to stand.  And together we say, "I pledge allegiance to the flag...." and sing ".....over the land of the free, and the home of the brave."

I believe that you who have served "Get it" too.