Three little deadly words

Hello all,

As I reflect on my career, technology, relationships and life in general, there seems to be a thread of diametrically opposed philosophies that play in my mind.  The struggle is real every day and it all starts with those three deadly words, "I Love you"

Life is hard.  And things happen in life, just as it has been for generations before us.  I do believe in God, the God of Abraham, Issac and Jacob, and his son, Jesus Christ.  I believe the Bible is the inspired word of God, useful in everyday life.  And even with this, I still struggle.

With my career position and where i am at in life, it is hard for me to admit this; I struggle with PTSD and OCD, which manifests in anxiety, insecurity and depression.  Some days are good and some are bad.  Some days no matter what is wrong, it doesn't get me down. Some days no matter what is right, it seems like the end of the world.  Some days I need a reminder to just keep breathing.

One part of this that has significantly impacted me is relationships.  Throughout my life, relationships were based on what each person could provide to the other.  Performance based relationships.  If you couldn't provide enough in the relationship, you were not valued and tossed.  If you provided too much in the relationship, you were taken advantage up and became the relationship sugardaddy/sugarmommy.  It was either suck the life out of the other person or have the life sucked out of you.  Achieving balance is like dancing on the head of a needle.

I can not think of a time that I didn't simple assume that everyone I knew was going to betray me or leave me.  It is something that I have inside that I cant explain or control.  It is difficult to deal with and I know how crazy this is.  In the end, I push my friends away before they get a chance to leave.  It is hard.  I find that I am oversensitive and hyper-vigilant, sometimes making up scenarios in my head or coming to irrational conclusions of what was just said or talked about, just to push them away before I get hurt.  

When I hear "I Love you" it simply tears me apart.  When my wife says, "I love you", I think "Great!  What does she want now?  Time to put in another mainline to suck the life out of me to near death again.  When I hear my friend say, "I love you man", I hear a request to have some sort of need met in a tit for tat exchange.  When I hear "God loves me", I think "SHIT, I am REALLY going to disappoint Him"  I can't even sing songs about the Father's love in church.  I know in my head that this isn't the love that God has for us, but it is the at odds with the definition love I know and have learned to accept.

In my mind, "I Love you" makes me cringe with despair.  It comes with all kinds of strings attached.  I did this for you because "I Love you".  I am giving you this gift because "I Love you".  This is something that we can do together because "I love you"  I think of these things as debts that need to be repaid.  And the more "I Love you"'s I hear, the more in debt I am.

Tragically, in all of this, I realize that I have sabotaged nearly all my relationships in order to maintain some self preservation.

For those in my past, I am sorry to have put you through this. 

For my long time and current friends, I again am sorry.  There are no other words I have.

I came to the end of writing this and thought now what?  Am I writing this to justify or rationalize my behavior?  no.  I think I am wondering if anyone else is like this and is struggling too.

If you are, how is that working for you?

For me, I'd like to never ever again hear 'I love you'.  And if you need to say something to me that expresses it, how about saying something like "How about dem der Packers, eh?"