Fathers Day, a day that hurts.

So, I am going to post something that might not be totally correct on this day, but there is another perspective.

When I see all of the pictures and happy fathers day wishes, it is painful for me.  Fathers day isn't happy for me.

I am reminded of all the times my father wasn't around and all the things we didn't do, except work.  I remember back to September 26, 1995 when I, my then wife, and children were considered no longer a part of the family; and haven't had much contact with any of them since.  I wasn't allowed to attend my fathers funeral, but that is for another story. To this day I cannot remember ever having a meaningful conversation with my father. We didn’t fish or hunt together, we didn’t go to baseball games together pretty much nothing but work, and even then I couldn't get it right enough.  Heck, my brother has memories of holding the damn flashlight.

As a father myself, happy fathers day is a reminder to me how much I have become like my father, and how many times I have failed my children; and continue to do so.

Happy fathers day means remembering all the times I was presented with a no win decisions between work, school, home, friends, family and God.  And it mattered very little what decision I would make, it was the wrong one with devastating consequences.

Happy fathers day means having regrets of doing something or not doing something, saying the right thing at the wrong time or the wrong thing at the right time.  It is all those things I wish I would have done and all those things I wish I wouldn't have done.

Happy fathers day means seeing traits in my adult children I wish they never learned from me.  Seeing them make the same decisions and mistakes that I made.  Sure, I thought they were right at the time and I did my best.  But now I have the benefit of having 20/20 hind site.

Happy fathers day means thinking and remembering the past and being paralyzed to move forward to make any decisions.  And while some of you may be saying....DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, believe me I wish I could.  But you might as well tell the lame to walk, the dead to rise, the mute to speak, and the sick to heal themselves.

Happy fathers day means going to church and hearing about God our Father.  For many years I cringed when people referred to God as “Father.” Inside I was thinking, “Not interested!”  I still can't sing those songs.  I remember my father and me as a father and can not and do not want that kind of relationship ever again.  "Heavenly Father" might as well be "Forever Tyrant", or "Eternal Dictator"

Maybe it’s not so “happy” for you. Perhaps you’re one of those people who will play the charade of giving a gift, sending a card or making a phone call out of obligation or guilt. Maybe you carry deep wounds from your relationship (or lack thereof) with your father. Perhaps you’ve suffered from the disapproval, rejection, absence or abandonment of your father. Maybe you will try to drum up some positive demeanor toward your dad on Father’s Day even though you really feel nothing at all.

I get it.  I understand!  Sometimes I wish they would change this day to "Biological Sperm Donor".  I could wrap my hands around and celebrate and say "Yes, I did that!"

These helps a little:

http://thrivetherapymn.com/blog/2016/06/not-happy-fathers-day/
http://erlc.com/resource-library/articles/when-fathers-day-hurts

So today, I don't celebrate as some do.  Some day, I and others might be able to say Happy Fathers Day, but not today.